“I am convinced that the reason we have been forcefully compelled to eke out an existence at the very lowest level of American society has to do with the nature of capitalism.” — Angela Davis

Earlier this year, I made the difficult decision to leave my job. I did not see myself growing in the organization, and my work couldn’t help but follow me home. It was there in the shower when I couldn’t turn my brain off because I was thinking through problems to be solved the next day. It was there when I would rest my head on my pillow at night, and I couldn’t get the pit in my stomach to settle or the ringing in my ears, which weirdly sounded like the musical do-do-dos of the doorbell at the office, to disappear. And, it was there, in my dreams of missed deadlines and incomplete duties.

I would go to sleep at 5 a.m., dreading the next morning when I’d wake up three or four hours later to deplorable news headlines and texts from colleagues, both taking me out with one shot before I even rolled out of bed. Whenever I finally made my way to the office, I was stifled in my creative expression. I was running on autopilot and quickly became a cog in the wheel of capitalism that exploited those it marketed to help.

I remember when I realized I wasn’t the right fit for the job. Expectations kept getting worse, and I didn’t have a second to breathe or think; I was drowning. I wouldn’t stay somewhere that didn’t align with me or that wasn’t uplifting me, and I couldn’t keep working somewhere for the sake of needing a job. Especially when, with or without the job, I was not climbing the ranks of capitalism and shooting into a new social class as promised by the American Dream. It all felt like a sick joke, a prank that repeated every day. Employment was not going to be my savior because ‘working harder’ was never the answer.

As I thought about what I wanted to spend my time doing during this moment of socio-political chaos, giving myself another reason to be unfulfilled and unhappy was not on my checklist. The world was draining me, but did my job have to, too? I never forgot that Audre Lorde once said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” I knew I would not let my job tear me down; my 9 to 5 was not going to be the thing that broke me. When everyone is getting laid off — and the job market is like a battlefield — I was taking a gamble by leaving. Your world can be on fire, but Uncle Sam takes no days off. Still, this was my act of self-preservation, my resistance.

Taking a pause and slowing down helped me recover mentally and seek out opportunities I wouldn’t have in the past. I needed healing and grace for myself because it wasn’t just that job, but the previous six jobs before that, that had burned me out. A change was needed to enforce balance, and this is why I encourage people to quit their jobs. If it’s not enriching your life, we must learn to let it go. The decision to leave is an important one with loads of implications. Unfortunately, most working-class people do not have the privilege to quit on a whim. Many have to keep going without a moment of thought or any agency in the matter. As we all know, there are bills to be paid. Keep working, get a check, pay the bills, rinse, repeat.

When we are young, everyone tells us we can do anything we want when we grow up. Before the harsh sting of reality stabs you in the back, your youthful innocence allows you to believe this. We can do many things, but it’s something you have to fight for when capitalism has one goal. When you are penalized for a career change with unlivable or no wages just so you can get your foot in the door, when you have to work several jobs with varying degrees of gratification to make ends meet, when it takes five years experience for an entry level job but no one wants to hire you if you graduated before the year 2012, the workforce is actually a force to be reckoned with. It is not the fantasy we were sold.

I quit my job, and all I got was this article. I have no regrets, no matter how tough this transition has been. I will always follow my calling, even if the ‘rules’ make it challenging. People don’t like being uncomfortable, but this is one of the most uncomfortable things I’ve ever done. For real change to happen, we’ve got to be okay with these growing pains. I didn’t quit to travel the world, or to be with a partner, or because I had something fabulous lined up. I quit to survive.

*****

This article was originally published on Medium