We All Need A Village

“It takes a village” is an expression you have heard at least once—maybe some offhand remark from your teacher or something your parents said when grandma came over to help with the dishes. It simply means that it takes a community to grow and thrive in our lives. Yes, we give free labor, but if we need help we will find it in return.

But with the rise of individualism and the loneliness epidemic, what happens to that sense of community? Instead, the idea that “you don’t owe anyone anything” is taking root.

Individualism, by definition, is “the habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant.” It essentially boils down to not relying on anyone, which in itself is not a bad thing. It focuses on the importance of personal identity while celebrating individual choices within such a massive society. Individualism encourages independence and personal development from a place of self-awareness, which we all need.

But this growing sense of individualism has led to the slow death of community—or at least to the concept that we don’t owe anything to anyone or have no responsibility to the people around us. The concept of “emotional labor”—an actual psychological term defined by Arlie Hochschild back in the 1980s, that social media and twisted have taken over—is “a situation where the way a person manages his or her emotions is regulated by a work-related entity in order to shape the state of mind of another individual.” Often, it’s women such as underappreciated wives and mothers who have a massive amount of emotional labor, as they are often forced to bury their emotions to do housework and childrearing while being emotional support for their husbands. It can also involve dealing with microaggressions in the workplace or acting as a caretaker for family members when no healthy boundaries are set in place.

However, with social media taking hold of it and misconstruing the definition, asking for a ride to the airport is now emotional labor. Or venting to a friend about a problem you might have. Asking for emotional support is not the same as demanding emotional labor, especially when that same emotional support is given back. That’s just how friendship and community works. 

Asking for help or emotional support is seen as unfair emotional labor and it’s straining friendships in younger generations. This, mixed with the constant search for individualism, has created an epidemic of loneliness. U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy remarked on the seriousness of the matter, stating that loneliness is far more than “just a bad feeling” and represents a major public health risk, just as any infectious illness. 

In recent years, about one in two adults in America reported experiencing loneliness. The aftermath of COVID-19 has amplified a trend of self-isolation that was already there and continues even without mandates from the CDC. It’s not just a single generation that struggles against the pervasive sense of loneliness, but all of us—and we all hesitate to reach out to others. Whether driven by the fear of being perceived as a burden or an overemphasis on individualism, we’ve created barriers that distance us from those around us—even our closest friends.

So, how do we overcome this? 

For one, you shouldn’t be afraid to lean on others and allow others to lean on you. That’s emotional support, not emotional labor, and the building blocks for a community. We lean on each other when times are hard and help each other when needed. Creating safe boundaries should be a priority, but you must also ensure you aren’t encasing yourself in self-imposed isolation because you want to be completely self-reliant or avoid becoming “emotional labor,” even in cases when you need others’ company or help.

There are other strategies we can take to help strengthen our communities. Strengthening community resources, such as parks, libraries, and public programs -- you could volunteer at events there or simply spend more time using these public resources that are available to everyone. Becoming more active within your community through volunteering or joining classes. Just getting out of your room can help with isolation and loneliness. Encouraging more face-to-face connections rather than spending so much time on social media -- but if you have difficulty leaving your home for any reason, you could join servers online with similar hobbies as you, baking, for example, and make connections that way. 

All in all, it may not seem like a big deal, but it is -- after all, we all need a village. Even the most independent and introverted of us need a person now and then to share a cup of coffee with—even if they are sitting in silence.