According to anthropologist Robin Dunbar, humans have unusually large brains and we evolved that way to “deal with the growth and complexity of social interactions and social networks.” Our social nature is further established by neuroscience that shows our brains mainly function in two networks, social and non-social, and guess which one is our default mode? When we’re not really doing anything, our brains switch to a social mode to prepare us for social interactions. Our brains have also evolved a warning signal to let us know when our social needs are not being met: feeling lonely. 

How to Create Connections

So, we’ve established how important social connection is but how do we make it happen?

I recently listened to a podcast episode titled, No One Talks About How Hard Making Friends As An Adult Is. The host, sex educator and relationship expert Shan Boodram, shared that there are 3 conditions that sociologists have considered crucial to making friends: “proximity, repeated unplanned interactions, and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.” While these are all interrelated, I think proximity is key because it encapsulates crucial elements; nearness in space, time, or relationship. Again, these all go hand in hand, but the time we put into social interactions is essential. 

Shan goes on to say that studies have shown that time spent with someone to consider them a casual friend is about 50 hours, 90 hours to become “real” friends, and 200 hours to become close friends. But how much time are we actually dedicating to building and sustaining friendships?

According to the 2024 American Time Use Survey, on an average day, people spend 35 minutes socializing and communicating on weekdays, and 56 minutes on weekend days. The leisure activity that occupies most of our time is watching TV, for an average of 2.6 hours a day.  In another nationally representative survey, Americans were asked “who or what they think contributes to loneliness,” technology was the number one answer (73%) followed by “families not spending enough time together” (66%). 

I know we all get busy and tired, but just like we make time to eat when we’re hungry, we should be prioritizing social connection when we’re feeling lonely or to avoid it altogether as much as possible. 

Aside from dedicating the time to create connections, it’s in our best interest to make efforts to make some of those connections especially strong. It’s one thing to spend time with someone, and it’s a whole other to make it quality time. This goes back to one of the crucial ingredients to making friends, being able to be vulnerable with each other. Again, this takes time, but it also takes skills to be able to communicate, receive, and process information in healthy and considerate ways. These skills are probably best learned through experience–the things you learn through interacting with others–but it’s ok if you need some extra help from professionals that can help guide you through the psychological work that deeper connections require. 

Opening up to others can be very scary for a lot of us, but the risk is worth all of the potential rewards. The longest study on happiness (85 years) reveals that above all else, the key to happy and healthy aging is having close relationships. 

Most of us already have a starting point; family, “casual” friends, coworkers, or we can look to other options to start fresh, like Bumble BFF. In any case, assess what you’re looking for in your relationships and start connecting and pouring into people who align with, support, and reciprocate that. 

Your people are out there, and they’re likely looking to connect with you too.