Rethinking Romance: Amatonormativity and Valentine's Day
Written By: Maddison Bosch
February 11th, 2025
Photo credit: Priscilla Du PreezValentine’s Day is coming up fast, and the chronically single are fielding the usual questions and comments from family members and strangers alike: “Are you seeing anyone? Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend yet? Oh, don’t worry—you just haven’t found the right person!”
Amatonormativity—playing off the word “heteronormativity”—is a term coined by Elizabeth Brake. According to Brake, amatonormativity is the “assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship, and that everyone is seeking such a relationship.” In other words, monogamous romantic relationships are the norm. Under this norm, if you’re single, you’re seen as incomplete—seeking your other half, your romantic soulmate.
We live in an amatonormative world. When your great aunt repeatedly asks you about a romantic partner or your parents ask when you’re planning on getting married, they’re demonstrating a societal norm in miniature: the assumption that everyone wants to get married. If you’re single, the world assumes that you’re sad and single. There’s a persistent idea that you can’t be happy on your own—that to be unpartnered or unmarried is to be lonely.
“Asexuals and aromantics—people who don’t experience sexual and/or romantic attraction—can be discriminated against for failing to conform to society’s idea of what a “normal” relationship should look like.”
Valentine’s Day—a whole holiday stereotypically surrounding love hearts, fancy dates, and romantic couplings—tends to up the amatonormative pressure. It’s not uncommon for people to internalize amatonormativity, to genuinely believe that they can’t be happy without a romantic partner, which can lead to a lot of negative emotions around Valentine’s Day. Singles may feel pressured to go on dates or to settle for a mediocre partner—better a bad romantic partner, amatonormativity suggests, than no partner at all. And a lackluster Valentine’s Day isn’t the only problem an amatonormative world has to offer.
The Problem with an Amatonormative World
Society prioritizes romance, and so amatonormativity shapes the very structure of the society that we live in. Marriage, a traditionally romantic relationship, is the only relationship we can choose that has any legal protections or standing. Married couples receive tax benefits; housing is a lot more accessible if you have two incomes and only need one bedroom.
On top of all the legal and financial benefits, your relationship with a romantic partner is normally expected to be the most important relationship in your life. Romantic relationships are seen as the be-all and end-all, treated as more important than your friendships. If you’re in a romantic relationship, you’re expected to prioritize your partner over your friends. When you’re interested in someone romantically, it’s pretty common to say that the two of you are more than just friends—as if a great friendship can be called “just” anything.
“Monogamous romantic relationships are the norm. Under this norm, if you’re single, you’re seen as incomplete—seeking your other half, your romantic soulmate.”
Amatonormativity can also be incredibly ostracizing for people who don’t have or don’t want a traditional romantic relationship. Asexuals and aromantics—people who don’t experience sexual and/or romantic attraction—can be discriminated against for failing to conform to society’s idea of what a “normal” relationship should look like. Amatonormativity also discriminates against people who have non-traditional relationships. Queerplatonic relationships fall to the wayside in a world that prioritizes romance. Amatonormativity also normalizes monogamy, which means that people in polyamorous relationships, who have more than one romantic partner, are often looked down upon and can legally be discriminated against.
So this Valentine’s Day, let’s challenge amatonormativity. Remember that not everyone wants a traditional romantic relationship, and the most important relationship in your life doesn’t have to be with a romantic partner—you’re allowed to prioritize yourself, or a family member, or a friend. Don’t feel pressured to pursue romance because society says you should. You don’t need a romantic partner to live a happy and fulfilling life. And if you don’t have or don’t want a romantic partner this or any other Valentine’s Day? I promise that’s just fine.
Written by: Maddison Bosch
Non-traditional Relationships, Asexual & Aromantic, Amatonormativity
Check out our social media for more resources:
Additional Reading
Leave a comment